I hear this all too often. A beautiful, smart, intelligent, kind women telling me that she doesn’t feel she can speak her truth to her husband. When I ask her what’s stopping her, she pauses…gets a little teary and says, I’m afraid of his reaction.
ME: What’s his reaction?
HER: Well it varies depending on his mood. Sometimes he surprises me and is receptive but often, for no apparent reason, his tone is insulting, like I’m some idiot or something for wanting to start a small business outside of being a full-time mom. He thinks of the worst case scenarios and then shoves them in my face with a sarcastic tone. Each time I try and get a little of me back, he squashes it out of me — saying, its just not convenient right now. But when is it convenient? Talking about anything serious makes me so uncomfortable because he’s always turning it back on me and then I just say to myself, “why bother”.
ME: What’s like to be you when you need to bring up something that’s important?
HER: It’s like I’m a child again, going to my father and asking for permission or forgiveness. I feel juvenile, it’s so ridiculous. I become so confused when he tells me I’m selfish and then goes on to say that he’s the one that’s sacrificed and built this world for us. If it’s for us, why am I feeling so damn lonely and empty? I don’t even feel like I can leave the house for an hour or so, without hearing the anxiety in his voice, asking when I’ll be back. It makes me feel like I can’t do anything and then that makes me worry he won’t know what to do if one of the kids seriously does need him. I feel trapped.
ME: You mentioned he was more like having to go to your father. So in your mind he has more authority than you. How do you think that came about?
HER: I guess because he’s the one going out to work. He’s the one that decides when we can travel, when we can see friends, when we can purchase big ticket items because he’s the one bringing home the pay check. I don’t feel like I have the right to decide what we do with the money, without his final say. The cheque is made out to him, not us.
ME: Who decides what your income is? What are your contributions to the house worth?
HER: Ha! I don’t have an income. We have a joint account and I take money from that account but I run it by him first. What are my contributions worth? I don’t know, I just do it because it’s my job and it’s what we decided after our first child was born. I never really looked at what I do as having any worth. I like being at home with the kids but it’s a lot.
ME: I imagine because you enjoy being with your kids for the most part, it’s difficult to put a price on the care you give them. After all, you don’t have to leave the home often, you love them, you want to be there for them. Most people dream of retirement and being home, no money coming in from their employer so no one really thought about the mom working her butt off a home now because she’s living the dream. But you know different. You know it can be take every ounce of your energy and then some to get through a day at home. You know about isolation. It’s okay to not want to do it alone anymore.
I’m wondering if it might help you to understand the value of what you bring to the family. Getting a clearer picture of what it is you do exactly to keep the house and family afloat. Right down to the grocery shopping, school drop-offs, doctor appointments, laundry, cooking, dog walking, gardening….the list goes on. It all has value. If you were to get ill, a lot of these services would have to be sourced out. Whether it’s a nanny, or delivery, or cleaning services, they come at a cost. So for your own knowledge, it’s very important information to know, so you feel more empowered towards the decision making for the family and for healthier conversations with your husband around finances.
As women we have undervalued ourselves for so terribly long, that thinking a different way is too uncomfortable But what’s it costing you to stay in the old thinking? If you were to put a spreadsheet together on what we actually do, it would likely scare the bajeebas out of you. Without you, who would do the things you do?
HER: I’m not sure I want to rock that boat. For the most part I’m okay with everything I do. There’s just days where it’s a lot and then to have him come home expecting a tidy house, and dinner on the table, it’s all I can do to put the last fork on the table and to have this expectation, well, I get resentful.
ME: Yes, talking about money can be a hefty conversation but the more you know about all the finances and the more you understand your own value, you’ll be better equipped to participate in difficult conversations around money, sex and major decision making.
HER: Ya, I guess you’re right. It keeps coming up. There’s so much I need to work on. gurr!
ME: What do you need more of right now?
HER: More time to myself.
ME: How much time are you thinking?
Her: I don’t know, maybe a few hours a week. I’d like to go for a walk, meditate or just get in my car and go for a drive.
ME: Who would benefit from you having this time to yourself?
HER: Everyone. Me especially. I’d have the energy to do what I need to do and I could handle a lot more of the emotions that come with being a mom.
ME: What do you need less of right now?
HER: Less complaining about the money. If we need to tighten our belts, let’s create a plan. I’m tired of feeling like I don’t know how to spend or shop wisely. Less people pleasing. I seem to make sure everyone else is okay but have no time for myself. Less loneliness.
Me: How could you help move the conversation about money in a new direction?
HER: Anything to do with money, my husband gets very controlling about, even mysterious, like I don’t know the whole picture, so I’m not sure. That’s why it’s so uncomfortable and leave the topic alone.
ME: If the conversation about money is important to you, how could you see it changing? For example, you could say, I’m wondering if we need to create a better plan when it comes to the money being spent. We seem to always get into arguments after the fact and I don’t want to continue to argue about money, so I’m thinking we need to discuss the concerns another way. Would you like to find another way so we could bypass the disagreements?
HER: Ya, I could see myself doing that. I won’t be easy but I’ll try. I know what I’d say, if he wasn’t the way he is, haha
ME: Ohhh?
HER: I’d be like, I’m not an idiot. I know how to shop mindfully. If you could just trust that I’ve got our families back instead of criticizing me, we’d be better off.
ME: Yes, that’s very important conversation and what’s most important about it is, only you need to know this. Allow that knowledge to lighten the way to your truth of who you really are. As women, it’s for important for us to start understanding what it is we need and then learn how to ask for it. You mentioned feeling lonely. Ask yourself what would make you feel less lonely? Then tell your husband what you’ve discovered that you need. Bob, I’ve been thinking, and it would really mean a lot to me with a few nights a week we could go for a walk after dinner. Or, Bob, doing the dishes after dinner alone is so boring, can I count on you to sweep the floor, so I don’t feel like a Cinderella but a part of the family?
As for the people pleasing, I hear you. It’s a tough nut to crack especially if it’s something you do well.
Here’s why people give more than what they got: It creates safety in unpredictable environments. It creates a place to belong. It reduces the inner critic. It keeps the other person calm so you can relax. It makes others feel important. When you’re always doing, it helps with managing the anxiety in the home or within yourself. It provides purpose and meaning to your life.
But when’s enough, enough?
The work is to create new ways to feel safe without having to look after someone else first. To create boundaries because they’re important to your well-being. Saying yes, when you really want to say no, is crossing a boundary and setting an expectation, leaving you exhausted and with a lack of worth.
The work is to make sure you are okay first, otherwise you can’t possibly create the pathway towards a healthy relationship with self or with others.
*********************************************************************************************************************
For more information on this subject please don’t hesitate to contact me. Would love to hear any comments regarding this post. Email me at, info@newlifecoachingbypam.com
Namaste,
Pam✨