Dear Life Coach: Is It Possible To Apologize For Having Been A Bad Parent?
Many parents have asked this question….
Dear Parent
There are so many reasons that a parent might be reluctant to come forward and ask this difficult question, much less to reflect on what damage they may have been a contributor too, so I admire the courage it takes to do so.
While there’s no one way to handle this — your options range from a genuine, heartfelt apology to the child you feel you denied a healthy childhood experience, to attempts at making things right for your child more broadly — I can help you think through what might be the best way to take responsibility for any past parenting you wish you’d done differently. Come, walk with me…
Some parents have said they’d like to tell their child how very regretful they are for past behaviours and failures…that they’ve changed as a person… and would like the opportunity to show them just how much…
Let’s look at this together.
First, let’s separate what you’re seeking for yourself from what your child or children might themselves be seeking. You’re essentially asking two questions — one about you, and one about your child. The question related to you is about forgiveness: You’re seeking something from your child so that you feel less pain (shame, guilt, anxiety, regret, remorse, etc…). The question related to your child is… what you can do so he or she feels less emotional pain and resentment.
I’d suggest that you get clear about your motivations so that if and when you do approach your child, it’s to help them, not yourself. Your needs are important too…but as I’ll get to in a moment, those needs are for you to work through without bringing your child into it. Right now, the focus should be solely on your child. If you haven’t seen or heard from them in a long time you’ll want to consider what it might be like for he or she to hear from you. They might find it upsetting to be contacted by you, especially after all this time. You’ll need to honour and respect whatever their reaction is — refusing to speak with you, not responding to an email you send, expressing anger, etc. On the other hand, they might welcome an apology because it validates their experience and makes them feel less demoralized — they’re finally being acknowledged as a human being, with feelings: I’m not crazy. My memories are real. I’m not the only one who witnessed my experience. I felt like I didn’t matter then but I matter now. Mom, dad couldn’t see my suffering then, but they see it now.
When planning what you’ll say, think about how to phrase your apology so that your child knows you aren’t asking anything from them — forgiveness, reassurance, absolution, a clean slate. After all, if this is being done for your benefit, it might feel like just another emotional attack on your child putting them into a deeper state of resignation.
With that in mind, it will be important to take full ownership for what you’ve done by steering clear of apologies that don’t feel like apologies. One example is saying you’re sorry for the way you acted when such and such happened, and then minimizing it by offering what sounds like excuses rather than explanations. I did this horrible thing to you, but that’s how I was raised…I needed to work to put a roof over our heads…I was an alcoholic…I was on so many nerve pills I just don’t remember…I didn’t know any different — I was too young and didn’t have the support of my own parents. The genuine apology is simply, “I was not the parent you deserved growing up, and I’m so, so sorry you had experience everything you experienced.” Likewise, don’t dilute your apology by explaining how proud you are of who you’ve become — that may be little solace if while you were experiencing great growth while your child was still having difficulty moving forward do to past traumas. Another non-apology might sound like this: I’m sorry I was an alcoholic and because of that, neglected you. I know how it feels, given my own experiences growing up what’s it’s like, and while what I did isn’t excusable, I can certainly empathize with where you’re at. In fact, you don’t know how another person feels…your child included, and making the apology about your experience rather than theirs will leave them feeling diminished and like they still don’t matter enough.
In your apology, you could also ask if there’s anything they think you can do at this point that would help them move forward. Maybe they’ll need to hear something specific from you, something that they’ve been wanting to hear for years. Maybe your child would like you to hear about the depth of the pain your actions inflicted and how it has affected their life — without you becoming defensive, but simply listening and taking it in. (If this happens, I suggest lots of deep breathing while they’re talking, reminding yourself that your
intention is to be there for them and them alone) Honour yourself, as their truth may be difficult on your ears…and honour them for having the courage to trust that it’s now safe enough to share their story.
Whatever you choose to do — and whatever your child decides to do with it, even if they come to a place of forgiveness — you’re still going to have to find a way to come to terms with what you did or didn’t do as their parent/guardian.
Some of you have asked if there’s room in these conversations for forgiveness, and there is — but that’s a conversation you need to have with yourself. Your feelings matter too, but they’re your responsibility, not your child’s.
What you need to ask yourself is: What would help me give myself permission to forgive past behaviours while also taking full responsibility for my actions?
Forgiveness generally comes in stages and while you can’t force it, you can encourage it along by reflecting on all of this yourself or perhaps talking it over with a therapist, coach or even a trusted friend. In that process you should remember that punishing yourself isn’t productive — it doesn’t change what happened, or help your child heal any quicker to think you’re suffering too.
Instead, forgiving yourself might help you come to a greater understanding of yourself in a way that allows you to contribute something positive to the world. There are as many ways to approach this situation as there are possible outcomes, but the fact that you’re having this reckoning and want to do something about your past actions is hopeful for you and for your child’s suffering. It’s precisely these kinds of reckonings that can lead to societal change and healing for all involved. These type of conversations bring health back into the family system, offering stronger connections for the generations to follow.
By Pam Blanchard