Nothings harder to swallow then the gut-wrenching reality that you’re living with a narcissist.The dreams of peace, uncondtional love and safety remain just a dream as your spirit slowly fades with every abusive, unpredictable and verbal blow. You feel trapped. But you don’t need to be. Let’s find you some wiggle room.
I don’t believe in surviving as much as I believe in a quest to thrive in a relationship with a narcissist. Your brain is already wired to survive, and although this is a good thing it resists wanting to support you in evolving your thriving skills. To override this 200,000-year-old program you need to find the things about your life worth fighting for, worth standing for and worth thriving for. Between you and me, I’m hoping one of those things is you…and if there’re kids involved, them too.
So many women have legit reasons why they can’t leave their narcissist. It’s not safe too, is one of them. The fear of being alone is another. If you feel leaving is not an option but you also know you don’t wanna end up emotionally or physically defeated from staying,then you need to start setting some boundaries, safe boundaries, at your pace, not mine or anyone else’s.
Start by visualizing your entire self as your home. Think, safety first. Would you leave your front door wide open all day and night? Can the mailman deliver your mail to your kitchen table whenever it’s convenient for them? Of course not! It’s time to close that front door, the windows and maybe even the blinds so not just anyone can walk in and sit down without your consent. In otherwords, no one gets to tell you who you are anymore, or who you’re not. You get to say, “I no longer will tolerate abusive talk about who you think I am!” It’s up to you what you want to stand for and what you’ve been dying to put an end too. These boundaries need to come from a place of you truly understanding their potential and a knowing that without them, little can change. At this point it’s less about the results you get and more about what it FEELS like to protect your yourself. I want it to feel like there’s no other option. Even if it feels uncomfortable, and it likely will be until you get use to it, do it anyway. Wanna know what’s so exciting about all of this? Each time you protect yourself you raise the vibration in your body and a lovely confidence washes over you and whispers, “YOU MATTER”. When you matter, a new world starts to open up and that’s exciting! Ross Rosenberg, an expert on narcissism, has so many videos on YouTube that will help you understand the mind of a narcissist.
Now before you willingly let someone into your home they need to know the house rules. No yelling. No blaming. No shaming. No threatning. No slamming or hitting, and you get to decide when they’re allowed in. So if they’re angry and you don’t feel safe, you calmly state, “I don’t think we are in a position to talk right now. I would like to wait till I feel its comfortable to discuss. Right now I feel scared and when I feel this way, I can’t get my thoughts together.” A narcissist often doesn’t like anyone else having the power, so another thing you must know is, they may try and challenge your idea to wait. Simply repeat yourself or add something like this, “I feel if we talk right now we will only fight. I don’t want to yell at you and cause even more upset. I really want to work this out. Please trust me. I think we should wait. I just don’t feel myself.” If you can’t remember any of that in the heat of the moment, just remember to stay calm and protect, protect, protect.
It takes a lot effort on your part and very little on the narcissist to navigate this type of relationship. Actually I would chew on the notion of it being less of a relationship (for a while) and consider the narctype-energy to be more of a catalyst for your own personal growth and well-being. Use this time for self-discovery. Get to know who you are in this relationship. How do you show up when the shhht hits the fan? What makes you feel unsafe? What triggers fear? What happens to you when they yell and belittle? Do you freeze? Do you beg for forgiveness? Do you yell back? Do they remind you of another time in your life when you felt unloved, not worthy and alone? How much do you count on them for your happiness? Is your sex life a mutual agreement?
The more you know about who you are in the relationship, the better. The more you know about who they are in the relationship, the better. Get curious. There’s tons of info online to help support you.
Let self-awareness be the fuel that lights your home.
Namaste