Dear Pam, my daughter and I have had this off and on relationship for years, she’s 24 now. Things were beginning to get better about a year ago when I left my partner of 6 years. He wasn’t a positive influence on my family, friends even said he had narcissistic characteristics, so I understand my daughters distance then but I’m having trouble understanding it now that I’m on my own.
She’s been living with her boyfriend for about 3 years and I can’t help but think he’s a narcissist and controls when and who she can see. She has mentioned he’s emotionally abusive.
I’ve been recently diagnose with severe depression and not having a relationship with my daughter is really hurting me.
I guess what I want to know is, should I tell her it’s hurting me and should I tell her she’s living with a narcissist?
Shelly
Dear Shelly,
Thank you for your email and thank you for allowing me to share your journey of trying to manage parent-hood with a child not wanting connection at this time.
I know this story all to well…and share my offerings in hopes that something aligns with the direction you wish to go as a mom and as a woman.
The ideas I share are not magic or textbook, they are from a place of clearly knowing my intention, which was to have a healthy relationship with my 2 daughters… and then peeling the layers of what healthy meant to me, i.e. safety, stability, active listening, knowing who I was in the presence of them….being supportive and what supportive looked like, etc….
One thing I know for sure… when we get still, when we search deeply, and just sit in that stillness for however long it takes, beautiful things begin to emerge. Our body turns into this emotional barometer and helps move us in the direction that best aligns with our intentions. This movement feels good, it makes sense and it feels free… So I guess what I’m saying is, a lot of the answers you’re looking for are in you and waiting for you to get still!
Here are a few ideas that might help move some old material out of the way so new material has room to move in.
Women/moms are pretty powerful beings and getting ourselves well first is key to not just our own emotional well-being but our children’s. Kinda of like the oxygen mask procedure in the airplane, put yours on first, then assist your loved ones. Getting to know who you are, what makes you tick, what makes you feel safe, is like spinach to Popeye – Powerful!
I don’t know if you ever had the experience of your own mom judging the person you were dating but it never ends well when a parent judges their child’s relationships. The child usually ends up staying in the relationship longer to prove the parent wrong, they can feel a sense of shame for not meeting expectations… and can go as far as thinking that the solution is, giving up more of who they are for the sake of another’s happiness.
Visualize what it would be like to walk beside your daughter, listening with curiosity and just good old fashion love. When we think we know what’s best for them then we have the power. Try and create a space where she has her power and you have yours.
Plants seeds of possibility Shelly and sprinkle them with loving thoughts about what life will look like, smell like, taste like, sound like and even feels like when you and are daughter are where you want to be.
Namaste,
Pam