Hey Pam,
I was just wondering if you had any words of wisdom for me. I am a single mom of a 14 year old daughter who’s suffering from anxiety attacks. She seems to get them shortly after talking to her father. To be honest, I don’t know for sure what the trigger is and she’s not willing to discuss it either. She’s seen a therapist in the past…and I guess maybe its time to introduce that option again… I guess really what I’m wondering is, what can I do to personally support her?
A little backstory: She’d been seeing her father quite regularly up until this past year. He and I have been separated since she was 3 years old. The last couple of years I’ve had to work pretty creatively to get her to go for the whole weekend but for the most part she went on her own will. Her father has a girlfriend that my daughter isn’t a fan of. She feels more like an inconvenience being there than a part of his life. Her dad also was recently promoted and is busier at work and with travel, so the every second weekend doesn’t work for him anymore. He wants to see her on random nights which my daughter doesn’t seem to be too keen to do because she wants to be with her friends. He’s putting a lot of pressure on her, saying, he misses her, sounds like you’d rather be with your mom more than me, I guess I’m only good when you need something…yada yada…(quoted with respect of course). I just don’t want to appear that I’m intentionally keeping her from seeing him by supporting her so ambitiously. It’s a very difficult message to convey without receiving his judgement. His approach to parenting annoys me, so it’s hard to support her without a bit of a growl.
I think the main issue I’m having as I write this is, how do I support her without feeling like I’m the bad guy? She doesn’t want to see her dad right now. I think she has her own stuff going on. Is it wrong of me to support her decision?
Ohhhhh my goodness my mind is spinning to do this right:/ Any supporting words would be helpful.
Lex
Dear Lex
Thank you for your email and for allowing me to share your story. It gives my heart a yank to read your struggle and yet excites me all in the same breath.
Being a single parent is no easy task at the best of times so when a child is suffering it makes it all the more difficult to navigate the ebb and flow of their moods, while trying to govern our own.
It sounds like you’ve answered most of your own questions so let me reframe in hopes of shedding some more light. What I read is, you’re in the process of creating a safe and stable place for your daughter to explore how she wishes to show up in her relationships as she approaches womanhood. In other words, you’re allowing her to have the freedom to be able to state who she wants to see and when.
What you may be having some difficulty understanding is, you’re also in the midst of breaking away from an old structure where women have been conditioned to do and say whatever they need to keep the peace, to be loved, to get the things they want and need, and to keep safe. Standing up for self is not a familiar undertaking for many women. It can literally feel like you have a lemon lodged in your throat as you go to speak. Just writing this I feel like I’m grasping for air…its just so foreign for women to speak from a place of, I matter, as oppose to a fear-based position of survival or retaliation. Our ego is more than willing to say,” Pull back, don’t do it or… just do it,” just to keep things as they are! It fights for status quo and more importantly, the win.
You’re saying to me, I love my daughter, I support her and when a mom supports their daughter, you listen. You say, I hear you. I see you. What you say to me matters. You need to do what feels right for you, not your dad… and not for me. We’re grown ups. If we don’t like hearing what you have to say then maybe we need to have a discussion so we have a better understanding of where you’re at. Your job is to take care of you, not us. Our job is to support you and if we’re not, I hereby give you permission to bring that to my attention. I’m sorry you’re having difficulty communicating your needs. Not everyone is going to get where you’re at right off the bat but that doesn’t mean you surrender. People sometimes need time to adjust to something new… and some need to have a temper tantrum first. It may not feel good looking after yourself while others appear to be suffering but it’s necessary for your own mental and emotional well-being.
As for your concerns about being the bad guy Lex, stay focused on the problem, not the person. The problem is the problem. Giving your daughter a voice has nothing to do with you or your ex. Focusing on the person only delays creating a solution.
I hope that helps brighten things. Visualize yourself walking beside your daughter or even one step behind her and you’ll be just fine. You’re breaking new ground so give yourself lots of hugs as you navigate this new terrain.
Namaste,
Pam