Dear Outcome
It has been a challenging week so I thought I would reach out and share with you some of the difficulties I’m having letting you go. Please don’t take this personally. I do believe you have a purpose in my life, I’m just not certain as to what that purpose is today. I must admit, I do find myself continually asking what the meaning is behind all this waiting and worry. I’m guessing it has something to do with patience and possibly being more open-minded than I am right now. I’m betting it also has to do with not only letting you go but to stop wondering where you’ll go if I don’t fuss over your mysterious direction. It’s all so crazy-making to me. I thought what we focused on expands. I guess there’s a difference between focusing and obsessing. In all fairness I feel you should cut me, of all people, some slack. Off the record, I don’t think you have a clue what you’re doing or where you’re going. You keep thinking its up to me and I keep think its up to you. So what is it?!!
Hey, sorry about that. I know you’re just waiting like me but surely you have some seniority over this stuff!
To keep me somewhat emotionally stable during this trying time would you consider a tracking device? Nothing too obvious of course.
How does one take this unaccomplished mood and turn it into something more productive – more self worthy? These are the questions I ask myself when I feel submerged in, “wanting to know now”. Do you think if I stay here long enough someone will take pity on me and either give me the answers or at least show me the way? What about that tracking device I suggested, do you think that might be helpful in calming my discombobulated mind? Surely you see all the hard work I’ve done till now. Surely you see that I am trying my best and that now would be a good time to show me that life support system that leads people to their desires. It’s not comfortable and seriously, what will people think if I haven’t got my shift together?
Pout….sigh….wine, just kidding, whine….
Dear Outcome. It’s been 4 hours since my last rant. I’ve spent half the day now moaning and I’ve now come to realize, yet again, that I’m the only one that can get me out of this rut and that’s going to take some more ranting, some searching, some peeling away and with any luck, some discovering. Please, bear with me. I’m doing this for betterment of my health. I’m bound to make mistakes but know without question that I am committed to making peace with you here today. Hey, thanks again for listening.
So here it goes. They say, name it to tame it, well I’m ready to tame this relentless beast.
Breathe….Sigh….Tap….Breathe… Tap! Tap!
Learning to let go of the outcome has been an uncomfortable experience, to put it mildly. It’s hard work and not fun work to boot. It’s brain stretching. I’ve looked at it from several directions, at least two today and nothing has inspired me to let you go with my blessing. When I surrender to the idea of leaving it in the hands of the universe and nothing happens, it gets me a little feisty. In this moment of feistiness I have totally lost my perspective and have found respite in what feels like a week long pout. What shall I do? I’m trying not to blame you or judge why you wouldn’t want me to know what’s coming… but the wait is making me feel so, so undone. Sigh…
My not so friendly, rarely rooting for me, sidekick “The Ego” says, that I need to worry and that if I don’t worry with intensity and concern, to the point of consumption, nothing will happen at all. Who does he think he is?! I SERIOUSLY NEED TO GIVE HIM A NEW JOB DESCRIPTION. Wait, it gets worse. If the outcome doesn’t happen regardless of who’s hands I’ve left my desires in, without fail I will question my credibility! Cute little me in this much distress, can you imagine? I don’t think I can handle two hits in one week. I need a breather. With all do respect I’m not asking for much. I’m a good person with a good heart and lots of motivation for the world to see. When? When? When, will my dreams come true? Even a hint of the future will do. I have three wishes. Please grant me at least one, pretty please?
Dear Outcome. It’s been several hours since my last rant and I think I’m getting the bigger picture. I took time and let my mind rest to a gentle meditation. I feel enlightened. I realize with all my negative chatter there was no room to listen to the practical me and to “just be” and let go of the “just do”. Society isn’t good at showing us how to” just be” in this world. We are recognized more for what we do for others, not for ourselves. That’s still seen as selfish or as being self-absorbed. I went against the grain though, I gave myself some TLC and some pretty neat things started to happen. For one, I stopped beating myself up. I appreciated that I’m not going to be able to let you go naturally each and every time. Two, being tired and busy takes my defences down, leaving me wide open to my own judgments and sadly, yours. I’m guessing its the busyness that distracts me from grounding myself sooner. I was raised to only have a “Go” button, anything else was seen as lazy or unacceptable.
You’re a smooth operator Outcome. I’ll give you for that. I don’t think I would have recognized how smooth you actually are until I starting feel so consumed. I feel a growth spurt coming on.
Dear Outcome. Me again. I think I’m getting my head wrapped around all of this a bit more. This type of work doesn’t happen over night so forgive me for thinking I’d have you done and dusted by the end of today. Still some more tuning to do. It appears to be another intensive internal workshop on the breaking of the old and opening up to the new.
Thanks to you for bearing with me as I hashed all this out. No offence but I hope not to see you again anytime soon. If I do however, I can only hope that I’m a bit more gracious when we meet. It be unfair at this moment to predict otherwise.
Best to you,
pb Nov/15