I guess the first question you need to ask yourself is, do you think it’s normal? …and if you don’t… then you need to ask yourself some even harder questions. How does his request make you feel?
What emotions come up for you?
What does his request represent to you?
When you hand over your phone what’s the objective, really?
Is there something to prove (your love, your loyalty, your understanding, your trust, your value)?
Do you feel safe handing your phone over or does is surface your own insecurities about who you are in the relationship?
Does his request make you feel anxious?
Does he make you feel like you need to earn his trust?
Does his tone make you feel like you’re hiding something, even though you’re not?
Do you fear that there will be bigger problems if you don’t hand over the goods?
When we try to please someone else, and make sure they’re okay first before we are, we rarely look at what we’re experiencing during it all, and how off- balance it makes us feel. We don’t check-in. We check out.
So how does one overcome or manage these uncomfortable encounters?
Number one thing is, you need to trust yourself. Meaning, trust what you know about yourself, your morals, your values, your loyalty, and stand by them like a warrior. Believe what you’re saying. If you’ve done nothing wrong but your guy still wants to see who you’ve been chatting to and his request makes you uneasy, then tell him. Tell him you’ve nothing to hide and his asking is inappropriate and making you feel uncomfortable. Also tell him, if he has a problem with managing his insecurities he needs to deal with that with someone else and not drag you into his story. You can let him know you care about him but his issues around trust are not your problem.
Your job/purpose isn’t to continually divulge your privacy to make him feel secure in the relationship.
Please Note: He will likely get upset with you when you hold your ground. After all he wants what he wants and he’ll do and say almost anything to get it. If you know that upfront, you can better manage your stance when he attempts to shake it. He will get very creative with his approach to convince you that sharing your instagram, your snapchat or your contacts is for love, trust and relationship security. But just the fact that you’re having this conversation with him, and your stress is high trying to prove your commitment, is an indication things may not be what you’d hoped.
To get the real deal, someone who’s genuinely interest in you, you need to be genuinely be interest in your own welfare first, protect yourself first, know what’s important to you and use that as your intention to navigate uncertain situations and conversations.
When we hold onto our power(that deep knowing) and protect ourselves, we attract that special someone who wants to walk with us, not drag us down.
Be well and stay safe.
Pam