Have you ever had “YIKES” as a reaction when you tell someone you have teen girls?
When I tell someone I have two teen girls their reaction is somewhat surprising to me. The common one is “Eww, geeeze, I’m sorry. How ya holdin up?” I say, “I’m holdin up just fine.”
Considering how often I get this response, I have a hunch my teenage experience is somewhat unique compared to most. I’m not saying it’s a walk in the park because its so not, but it’s not, YIKES.
For the parents that can relate to YIKES, here’s some tips on what has helped me to be able to say,” I’m holding up just fine…”
TIP #1 Our kids just want us to really listen with both ears. Meaning, drop everything and I mean everything. When listening in the heat of the moment is just isn’t doable, let them know that what they have to say is important and for you to be totally present, they need to give you a few minutes to wrap your important stuff up.
TIP #2 It’s important to display genuine signs that you really do care. Eye contact is key. A smile. No cell phones, no laptops, dishes or anything that would take your attention off them.
TIP #3 Turn your body towards them. Make empathetic voice offerings, like, hmmm… sounds tough, or, that’s a lot to hold with everything else isn’t it? or, really? Tell me more. My favourite reply when I don’t quite understand what they’re trying to tell me is, “What do you mean?” So when they say they hate their hair, their clothes, their house, their parent or their teacher was a jerk, say, what do you mean?
TIP #4 Visualize your heart open so when they speak, each word penetrates inward. It’s almost like you can feel the vibration of their words penetrating through your body (conscious or mindful parenting). It’s very effective and it keeps you in the conversation 100%.
TIP #5 What we’re trying to achieve as parents is a sense safety, security and stability. These tasks aren’t easy to master for a parent on the run… or one who has an agenda of their own just waiting to pounce. So don’t pounce. Listening is golden. It validates their experiences. It lets them know that we see them for who they are and not who we want them to be.
TIP #6 Don’t interrupt — even if you think you have valuable offerings. When we interrupt with a comment or judgment teens quickly become distant and frustrated, basically the conversation comes to a sudden halt.
TIP #7 When your teen has finished talking asking them how you can help. If they say, I don’t know. Then ask them if they’d like to hear your suggestions. Make it clear that they are only suggestions.
TIP #8 If we really thought about our teens behaviour what we would soon discover is the way we approach them says more about us than them. When we judge or interrupt, it’s like saying, Please change your behaviour or attitude, so I can feel better about who I am right as your parent and as a human being.
It’s not up to our kids to make us feel better. We need to learn to understand who we are in the presence of our children so we can better navigate healthy communications with them. When we do this, we can be the fulcrum of our family’s system.
Contact me for more information on this subject.
Pam