The teenage brain is in the process of updating its system. This means the brain is wiring up for some independence and……. in a teenagers world, freedom.
Parents often get anxious and overwhelmed during this stage. It seems endless.
As parents we can better navigate through the storm of a child’s mind if we know it’s less about us and more about them wanting and needing to be more separate from us. Our teens want to embark on the path of having more authority over their life. It’s our responsibility to help them achieve this… with grace and a little guidance.
It’s important that we get our teens involved in this process and not assume we know what the best approach is. This is a time in our parenting when we need to walk beside our child or even one step behind…and not several steps ahead.
The more we know about ourselves as human beings, what makes us tick and how we wish to be as parents in the presence of our teens, the more able and available we are to support them through this turbulent time of individualization.
FIVE HEALTHY APPROACHES TO SUPPORTING YOUR TEEN
- Children need to be seen. Breathe, and listen beyond what you’re seeing on the external. If your child is losing their mind on you, chances are, their thoughts are chaotic and full of uncertainly. So try not to speak to their behaviour, speak to their experience. i.e. “It must be very difficult to figure out what direction to go when your mind is giving you nothing to work with, how can I help?”
- Soothe your child back to calm by remaining calm yourself. Children need to know that everything is figureoutable, that there’s nothing they can’t get through. Knowing you’re there to walk beside them through the uncertainty, takes the mountain back to a mole hill.
- Create a safe place for your children. Protect them from direct and indirect harm. Even hearing yelling and screaming in a home puts on child in survival mode, wiring them for flight, fight, freeze or faint. When a child is in a safe environment their minds expand. When they live in an uncertain environment their world becomes isolated.
- Say NO less and replace it with either, help me understand the importance of… or, that’s just not possible at this time. Explain why it’s not possible as clearly as you can. Visualize creating a bridge, not a wall.
- Provide security and a sense of certainty. When children feel secure, meaning, they know without question that their parent has their back, and there are no conditions, they start developing resilience. They become equipped to bounce quickly back from difficult situations.
A parent wanting emotional health for their child must realize that the health starts with the parent themselves. If we the parent are not stable in our own minds, the chaotic behaviour of our children will trigger our own unhealed experiences, leaving us unable to protect or soothe our child back to health. Presence is essential in helping support our own children. We must be aware of what’s happening when it’s happening so we can avoid reacting and respond in ways that best supports our child. This approach has the ability to heal and repair past parenting.