“Love Yourself First” — What Does That Really Mean?

We’ve all heard the phrase: “You need to love yourself before you can love someone else.” It’s a beautiful idea — but let’s be honest, how many of us actually understood what that meant the first time we heard it?

For years, I didn’t.

Even after reading about the benefits of self-love, I couldn’t figure out how to get there. I didn’t know what it felt like, or what it looked like in daily life. The idea seemed vague and, to be honest, a little self-serving. My inner voice would echo: “It’s not all about you, Pam!”

Growing up, being “selfish” had a bad reputation. It was loaded with shame and negativity. Any time I leaned in that direction, I felt guilty — and quickly pulled back. There was no safety in selfishness.

But now, in my 50s, I understand something I wish I’d known sooner:

Being a little selfish is essential.
Not in the self-centered, disregard-everyone-else way — but in the oxygen-mask-first kind of way. You know, the one they tell you on planes: “Secure your own mask before assisting others.”

For me, the real work wasn’t just learning to “love myself” — it was building an authentic connection to the truest part of me. Without that, I was stuck looking to others to define who I was. That often meant people-pleasing, shrinking, or staying silent just to feel safe.

And here’s what else I’ve learned: this journey isn’t meant to be walked alone. I still meet weekly with my own mentor to keep growing, expanding, and staying connected to who I am — and who I’m becoming.

These days, I lead with my heart.
But here’s the key: it’s a nourished heart. One that’s filled with my own love, tenderness, and inner validation. I know I matter — and that’s not up for debate.

In a world that often feels like it’s spinning off its axis, reclaiming our power and holding steady within ourselves isn’t just helpful — it’s necessary. For our mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being.

So now, when someone says, “It’s not all about you, Pam,” I smile and say,
“Actually, it is❣️”
Because when I take care of me first, I show up better for everyone else.