When she said yes to the affair, she had any idea what parts of herself she’d be giving up or what she’d need to become to be the chosen one. She was too busy managing her surprise that he could even want her.
She loved hearing from him. It made her feel secure knowing he was stepping away from his relationship. She felt special, finally. She believed his constant calls and text messages were a sign of his unconditional devotion. She ignored the anxiety he conveyed in his messages(when she couldn’t reply right away). She managed her own anxiousness, by soothing him quickly with constant proof of her whereabouts.
She remembers listening carefully to the challenges in his marriage, taking stock of “how not to be” and what she needed to become to win his love forever. She knew she could be his everything — she’d prove it.
In a very short time their connection consumed her. It demanded her to dig for more patience, to reach for more understanding and to silence her own needs in fear of being too much. The prize would define her.
He had no friends to speak of. His constant complaining about the world, society, showed off her listening skills. His appetite for sex and his endless need for her feedback on how generous and useful he was to her, brought purpose to her life. Such a small price to pay.
Lost in his generosity, she could feel pieces of herself letting go to keep the peace. What other way did she have of giving back, even if it meant giving up parts of herself to be wanted.
He did eventually leave his marriage and she indeed win his love. She won his temper too. She won his sneakiness. His judgement. His threats. His inability to change or comprehend what it takes to create a healthy relationship.
Here she sits, wondering where does she go from here.